TRUE OR FALSE?
Jealousy is proof of love.
False. Being jealous can sometimes mean that we feel that the relationship is threatened or that we are afraid that we aren’t good enough. Jealousy can also be a sign that we view the other as our property, in which case this becomes an excuse for controlling the other person.
Going out with someone does not mean that you have to spend all of your free time together or that you have to account for how you spend your time apart. You can’t ask someone to give up their circle of friends for you. It is not acceptable to decide who the other person can talk to or go out with.
Someone who is insulted a lot by his or her partner is a victim of violence
True. Insults are a form of violence; it’s not a constructive way for couples to communicate. We often associate violence in a couple with hitting or slapping, but before a couple reaches that point, other attitudes and behaviours have ultimately led them to the point of physical violence. Violence can be verbal, psychological, sexual, and physical. Verbal violence is destructive in a loving relationship. When someone is insulted, they might end up believing that they are worthless, especially if the person insulting them is someone they trust and know very well. Teenage relationships can be violent. One in five girls experiences violence in her relationship, compared to one in six adult women. Surprised? By a couple, we mean couples who are going steady, one-night stands, heterosexual couples and gay couples. You might think that this doesn’t affect you, but someone may confide in you about problems in their relationship. Violence affects all of us.
You don’t have to be in a relationship to be a victim of violence… sexist jokes, harassment, unwanted touching in corners or crowds are examples of violence against women. These attitudes should bother you – they are unacceptable. It is important that you refuse to accept them and speak out. Talk to your friends, both guys and girls. It’s not normal for girls to feel like they have to disguise themselves as guys once it gets dark outside so that they aren’t hassled… it has to change!
Someone is entitled to have sex with their partner if they have been going out a long time.
False. You have the right to say no. The right to say no is unconditional. You have the right to say no to touching and to refuse to have sexual intercourse. It might seem like everyone is having sexual contact early on, but that’s not true. Some young people prefer to wait. Everyone has the right to share his or her sexual needs and desires, but there shouldn’t be any pressure. “Wanting to” isn’t the same as “having the right to demand”. Wait until you feel ready and when you really want to… ask your partner to respect your own pace.
Know your rights
- You have the right to say no: being in someone’s house or car doesn’t mean that you have agreed to have sex with him.
- You don’t “owe” someone sex because he paid for dinner, a movie, or anything else.
- You have the right to set your own limits on sexual activity. Tell your partner what these limits are.
- You have the right to reject unwanted attention.
- You have the right to change your mind.You have the right to protect yourself.
Reduce the risk
- Try to stay relatively sober to stay in control and watch out for people who try to get you drunk or high.
- Be careful and avoid any situations that could put you at risk for unwanted sex.
- Never leave a party with someone whom you don’t know very well.
- Trust your intuition. If you sense that something is wrong, you’re probably right.
- Assert yourself. Raise your voice. Get angry if you need to.
- Talk to your friends about sexual assault. Help them to stay safe.
You agree to have sex with your partner, and then change your mind at the last minute, it isn’t really sexual assault if the other person makes you go all the way.
False. You have the right to change your mind even in this type of situation. Just because you wanted to have sex with someone doesn’t mean you still have to do it. You can change your mind at the last minute and, if the other person doesn’t accept your denial, you are the victim of sexual assault.
Often, a girl feels that she has to go all the way with a guy if he is aroused. She feels guilty if he’s frustrated and responsible if he assaults her. But, we have the right to want to be touched and kissed without going all the way. It’s a myth that a guy who becomes aroused can’t stop himself. Both sexes can control their sexuality and anyone has the right to end a sexual encounter, at any time. Remember also that your partner always has an alternative to penetration to relieve sexual tension, and he can always masturbate by himself. You can reduce the risk of finding yourself in a difficult situation by telling your partner what your limits are.
The majority of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim doesn’t know.
False. Contrary to popular opinion, the majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows: her boyfriend, a school friend, brother’s friend, etc. Statistics show that 84% of women who are the victims of sexual assault know their aggressor and that 57% of rapes are committed on a date.
Regardless of the circumstances, nothing justifies an assault. No one should be sexually assaulted or pressured to have sex. Alcohol isn’t an excuse for sexual assault. It is unacceptable to get someone drunk or drug them to take advantage of them sexually. The aggressor is responsible for his actions: the victim has no reason to feel guilty. Even if you don’t fight back, it’s still sexual assault.
Even though women are not responsible if they are assaulted, there are some things they can do to reduce the risk of sexual assault. Do you know how to reduce the risk? (see sidebar on previous page)
If you have been [or are] a victim of sexual assault:
Call the police, go to a hospital or call CALACS (Centre d’Aide et de Lutte contre les Agressions à Caractère Sexuel). (CALACS de Rimouski: 725-4220 or you can call 1-800-363-9010 for the number of the centre closest to you).
It is easy to tell if someone will be violent.
False. It isn’t always easy to tell if someone will be violent, even if he or she is your partner. Sometimes the feeling of being in love prevents us from telling the difference between loving attention and jealousy. Constant attention from our partner (frequent calls, always wanting to go out as a couple, etc.) can be flattering instead of warning us that he or she is beginning to exhibit controlling behaviour. Some behaviours provide warning signs to alert you that someone could become violent, for example: demonstrating extreme jealousy, possessiveness, bad temper, cruelty towards animals or being verbally violent.
In a loving relationship, the fear of losing the other person is an acceptable reason for putting up with things that are wrong.
False. Sometimes we might be afraid that exercising our rights in our relationship will make the other person angry and end the relationship. The fear of losing someone might mean that we agree to do things that we previously thought were unacceptable. We might be afraid of what the other person will think, being judged as unsophisticated or a tease. With all of these fears, it is easy to see why many tolerate abuse.
Many girls don’t feel that they are victims of violence. They say that they aren’t “battered”. Many victims do not view their partner’s behaviour as an abuse of power. If you are in a relationship that is violent, you can talk about it to get help and advice. You can talk about it with your doctor, the school psychologist or nurse, and you can call someone at:
SOS Violence Conjugale (anonymous and accessible 24 hours a day)
1-800-363-9010
If you love each other, you respect each other
A loving relationship should be respectful and egalitarian. Respecting someone means not treating them as an object. You can have secrets, go wherever you want whenever you want, ignore them, say anything about them, and do whatever you want with them. There are some people, adults and also many young people, who treat their partner as an object. When two people in a relationship are treated like human beings with their own rights and needs, when two people are treated equally, the relationship cannot be violent. They can talk and negotiate, share opinions, values, and expectations. The timing and choices of each partner are respected and both people are free to reach their potential. Each person benefits and their life is made easier by the other person.
Adapted from the training module “VIRAJ” from the Ministère de l’Éducation du Québec [Quebec Department of Education].
Last update : July 2014