What is spousal violence?
Spousal violence is not limited to just an argument. It is a collection of behaviours, attitudes, words, and aggressive gestures that are repeatedly and deliberately directed against a woman with the intention of putting her down, humiliating her, and controlling all of her actions. Violence is an exercise of control. The person exercising control always does so with the goal of making the other person do what he or she wants.
Violence can take many forms. It can happen all the time or from time to time. Anyone can be a victim of spousal violence… young, old, rich, poor, white, black, professional, unemployed, etc. Women don’t ‘look for it’ and it isn’t caused by alcohol, drugs, economic pressure, depression or jealousy.
Violence can begin, and get worse, when you become pregnant. Couples who ‘stay together for the children’ despite a violent atmosphere end up teaching them that relationships are about power and control and that violence is normal behaviour.
Children who live in a home in which their mother is the victim of violence are more likely to become victims of violence themselves. Even if this does not happen, children who witness violence are considered victims.
If you live with spousal violence, remember that:
- You are not alone
- You are not responsible for your spouse’s behaviour
- You can get help
Am I really a victim of spousal violence?
Many women do not feel that they are victims of violence. They say that they are not ‘battered’. Many victims do not view their partner’s behaviour as an abuse of power and they do not see that it is cyclical.
It is true that it is hard to talk about spousal violence, but you do not deserve to be threatened, hit or beaten. There isn’t anything that you could say or do to justify this violence. Any form of violence is unacceptable. You can get help. You and your children have the right to live in safety.
What are the different forms of spousal violence?
Psychological violence: actions or words that put the victim down, control over various aspects of life (money, clothes, going out, friends), excessive demands, threats. This type of violence is the most damaging because it attacks self-esteem. It has been on the rise since physical violence between partners has been considered a crime.
Verbal violence: abusive or humiliating words, insults, threatened beatings, prolonged silence, refusal to answer. Often associated with psychological violence.
Economic violence: preventing a spouse from having a bank account or source of income, controlling all of the family spending.
Sexual violence: unwanted, humiliating or violent sexual relations or experiences.
Physical violence: violent behaviours such as hair pulling, shoving, grabbing, hitting, injuring, breaking things. Physical violence often indicates that other forms of violence are present.
What does escalation of violence mean?
Violence always gets escalates. It often starts very subtly. It can then become sexual, verbal and/or physical. It can tragically lead to murder or suicide.
What is the cycle of spousal violence?
The cycle of spousal violence can be divided into four phases, at least in the early stages, because, little by little, the ‘honeymoon phase’ disappears. Unless action is taken, the repetition and intensity of the cycle of violence increases. The closer the cycles become, the greater the danger.
Escalade de tension – Escalation in tension
Épisode violent – Episode of violence
Justification – Justification
Lune de miel – Honeymoon
Phase I – Escalation in tension
Tension increases as minor incidents occur (frustration, disagreements). Psychological and verbal violence begin.
Phase II – Episode of violence
Violence explodes after an event that is sometimes a minor one. The violence can be verbal, physical or sexual.
Phase III – Justification
The man is afraid of losing his spouse. He makes excuses and promises that it will never happen again. He blames his spouse for having provoked him and finds outside excuses (alcohol, work, stress). The victim begins to doubt herself and starts to feel responsible for her spouse’s violent actions.
Phase IV – Honeymoon
The man can be caring and attentive. He brings home presents and flowers. The spouse begins to feel hopeful, she wants to believe that her spouse will change. This ‘honeymoon’ can last a few days or longer, but as the relationship becomes more violent, this phase gets shorter and shorter. Then, the cycle starts over…
What is the profile of a violent man?
A violent man starts and continues his behaviour because violence is one way he has chosen to gain and keep control over another person, because he benefits from it, and because he usually doesn’t experience any consequences for his actions.
Violent men come from all backgrounds and have all personality profiles. Despite this, certain characteristics are common to the general profile of a violent man:
- He often views the woman as his property or as a sex object
- On the outside, he may look like someone who is socially and financially successful, but inside, he feels incompetent
- He externalizes the causes of his behaviour. He blames circumstances for his violent behaviour. It’s not his fault, it’s stress, his spouse’s attitude, a ‘bad day’, alcohol or other factors
- He can be pleasant and charming when he isn’t violent, and he is often viewed as a ‘great guy’ by others
- Some behaviours can be warning signs telling you that someone could become violent: extreme jealousy, possessiveness, bad character, unpredictability, cruelty to animals, and verbal violence
Can you tell if someone has violent behaviour or is at risk of developing it?
It isn’t always easy to tell if someone will be violent, even if he is your partner. The feeling of being in love can sometimes prevent us from distinguishing between loving attention and jealousy. Constant attention from a partner (frequent calls, always wanting to go out together, etc.) can be flattering instead of signalling that our partner is starting to demonstrate controlling behaviour. You need to pay attention to the warning signs (see previous paragraph).
Why do women stay with an abusive spouse?
All too often, the response to this question is to blame the victim of spousal violence. They often hear that they must like it or need to be treated that way, or else they would leave. Others might be told that they belong to the group of women who ‘love too much’ or that they have low self-esteem. The truth is that no one likes to be abused, regardless of their emotional state or self-image.
The reasons why women stay are more complex than simply strength of character. A woman might not leave her spouse right away because:
- She is truly afraid that he might become more violent and that he might even try to kill her if she leaves him
- Her friends and family do not support her decision to leave her spouse
- She is afraid of being harassed at work or elsewhere
- She knows how hard it is to be a single parent in a more challenging economic situation
- There is a mix of good times, love, and hope along with manipulation, intimidation, and fear
- She may not know about or does not have access to services offering her safety, support and accompaniment
Even though there isn’t a profile of a typical woman who is a victim of spousal violence, there is a well-documented syndrome that describes what happens once violence sets in. Women who are victims of spousal violence live in shame and embarrassment and become increasingly isolated. For all of these reasons, it is difficult for them to ask for help.
Leaving may be dangerous, but this doesn’t mean that a woman who is a victim of spousal violence has to stay. Staying with a violent spouse is very dangerous, because violence usually increases in frequency and severity as time goes by. Even if leaving means increasing the danger in the short term, it has been proven that the woman is better able to achieve safety and freedom once she is separated from her violent spouse.
How can I get help if I am a victim of spousal violence?
You can talk to your physician. You can also call a shelter for advice and information about support groups for you and your children. You can also get help from nurses, social workers, and other healthcare professionals.
If you would like more information about spousal violence or want to find out where shelters are located in your area (free services), call:
| SOS Violence Conjugale 1-800-363-9010 accessible 24 hours a day If you have been threatened or assaulted and need immediate assistance, call 911 |
Leaving violence: planning for your safety
Deciding to leave a violent or controlling relationship can be difficult. It can take time before you feel ready to do it. Call a shelter. A worker there can help you to create a safety plan: you don’t have to tell anyone your name. If you are ready to leave:
- Pack a bag ahead of time and leave it with a friend or neighbour. Put some money and credit cards in it, as well as a change of clothes for yourself and your children. Bring an important toy for each child.
- Hide an extra set of car and house keys outside, in case you have to leave quickly.
- Bring important papers or make photocopies (birth certificates, passports, custody papers and restraining orders, health insurance cards, bank books and cheques, driver’s licence, lease or house deed of purchase).
- Prepare to live independently by opening your own bank account and getting your own credit card.
- Keep the phone number of a possible place to stay and any other emergency numbers on hand.
- Go to a safe location such as a friend’s or family member’s house or a shelter. Take your children with you.
- Call the police if you feel that you cannot leave the house safely or if you want to file a complaint against your spouse.
Important: Do not go back to your house by yourself to pick up papers or personal belongings. The police can accompany you.
Talking to your physician about spousal violence isn’t easy, but it could help. When you are ready, he or she will be there to listen.
Last update : July 2014